I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
