When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
