3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
MIDGETS
????
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
