thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize