when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
