i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
