believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
