Will you blow on my dice?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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