You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
