my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
