She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
