im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
