Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
