the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
