You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
