i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
