I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
