Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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