I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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