if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
