Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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