I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
