I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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