after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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