Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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