I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm both gender and math confused
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
