I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
