I should be sponsored by Trojan
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
