im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
