Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
