you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
