a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
