Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
