can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
