I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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