Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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