Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
