This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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