i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
