Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so let's talk penis.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
