32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
