U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
