i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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