easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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