My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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