can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
