so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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