i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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