I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
