Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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