Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
