that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
false alarm. still invincible.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
foreskin is a definite game changer
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
