I cannot find my penis.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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