There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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