Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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