Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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